Are They Talking Bout Me???

Guess what happened to me at work last week? I went to use the restroom nearest my cubicle, but found that it was being cleaned by Housekeeping. I decided to go to the bathroom one floor up, which is on the same floor as my manager's office.

When I got there, I found that it was going to take longer than I thought. (Im not gonna gross you out by telling you what I had to do!!!)


Anyway, I hunker down in the stall farthest from the door. After about three minutes, I hear the main door open. I decide to take my time, because I didnt want whoever was in there to know I was the cause of the not so pleasant smell lingering in the air!



After about thirty seconds, the restroom door opens again, and I realize that before that second door opening, I hadn't heard a stall door creak, or clothes rustling. That was my first clue that something was up, so I get quiet, and pray my body doesn't betray me.



I hear greetings being exchanged and I realize it was my manager and one of my co-workers. The girl is a nosey one who sits a cube behind me, and she's always in everyone's business. Just last month I sent out an E-invitation for my annual BBQ, and this busybody read every single response! How do I know? Because she walked up behind me while I was at my desk banging away at the keyboard and made casually remarks, "I guess I'm the last to know." I don't even turn around before asking, "Last to know what?" She doesn't respond, so I'm forced to turn around to face her. She peers over her glasses and says, "I guess I'm the last to know you're dating Grant." I look at her in confusion. "Huh?" She folds her arms across her chest and sighs, "I saw what he wrote in response to your invitation. He said he was definitely coming, "BEAUTIFUL." Why would Grant call you beautiful if you guys weren't an item or something?"


It took all my strength not to strangle that meddling idiot. I took a deep breath before replying, "Just because he called me beautiful doesn't mean we are a couple. And anyway, are you saying you read EVERY reply in the list of responses?" She looks at me, and shrugs her shoulders. "Yes, I did. Is there something wrong with that?" I just turn back around to face my computer, put on my headphones and turn the volume of my iPod Nano up full blast.



SO now that I realize who is in the bathroom with my boss, I quietly draw my legs up, and lean back against the wall.

After a brief pause, Miss Busybody says in a hushed tone, "Mrs. Brown, what did you want to know about Sasha?" Mrs. Brown replies, "I'm thinking of giving her more responsibility around the office, but not sure whether she is capable of taking on a heavier workload. Since you keep a finger on the pulse of the office, and being you are so close to her, maybe you could clue me in about Sasha's work habits."



(They're talking about me! Oh wow. Maybe I should have been nicer to Nosey.)



"Mrs. Brown, I try to always mind my own affairs in the work place. You know that don't you?" (Wish I could see the look on Brown's face at that BS.) Mrs. Brown clears her throat and says, "Of course! But you do sit directly behind Sasha, so tell me what you know."


"True," Nosey says.



(At this point I'm holding my breath. What is this woman going to say about me? I barely ever talk to her. She doesn't know anything about me, or how I handle business. "Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?")



"To be honest, Sasha is very quiet. I haven't heard anything about her being a slacker or anything. As a matter of fact, I think she is pretty good to go because if she missed deadlines or rubbed people the wrong way, I would have heard about it." Mrs. Brown is silent. Then Nosey abruptly says, "I mean, not that I partake in gossip. But I really have not heard any negative things about Sasha. If anything, I would say that girl needs to be a little more social with the rest of us downstairs. But I don't know if that would be a good thing now that she is going to get a promotion and all."



(I couldn't believe my ears. Nosey actually came through for me! I almost fell off the toilet.)



"Wait a minute, don't jump the gun," Mrs. Brown says. "I am not promoting Sasha, just thinking of giving her a little more responsibility. At this point, that is all. OK?" Nosey must have nodded because I hear Mrs. Brown approaching the restroom door.



Then I hear Mrs. Brown's voice: "Thanks for chatting, dear. And please remember to keep this between us."


"No worries Mrs. Brown. You can trust me!"



The door closes and I assume it was Mrs. Brown that left. I sigh with relief. My legs are cramped and just as I'm about to stretch them out, I hear the door of the stall two doors away close and lock. Nosey makes water and says aloud, "I can't wait to tell Jaye and Robin about this! We are going to have a new boss, and a new office romance!"



I guess the heifer didn't believe me about Grant. And if she wants to spread rumors about a promotion, so be it. I can't wait to move up to this floor anyhow.

OHW Rewind -- Break Hustlers: Smokers

photo via Anti-pimp

Look, I understand that you have an addiction. Me, I’m addicted to push-pins. Right now, I have a push-pin of Africa, including Madagascar on my cubicle wall. So yes, I understand addiction. However, my addiction doesn’t allow me anywhere between 2 – 4 extra breaks at my job.

I thought that I was hardly working until I peeped what our office smokers were getting away with. “I have to go smoke a bud,” they’d say. “I’m stressed out, I’ll be right back,” they’d say. No matter the excuse, they are briskly headed for the exits and no one could be the wiser.

Except for me, the non-smoker. It’s not like they Febreeze themselves before coming back. You can smell the nicotine from 10 cubicle aisles away, not to mention the hot breath they acquired while eating an onion bagel just 20 minutes before. I just don’t understand how these people can get away with extra breaks, yet would monitor me if I so happen to come back 10 minutes late from lunch.

I don’t have any tips to stop the ‘Break Hustlers’ from doing their business. I’ll just be damned if every day their smoke breaks equal up to an extra hour of free time and I am not getting mine. When I walk back into the office with lunch from Popeye’s and you know that it takes 20 minutes each way to get there, not including the time it takes to get my car out of the lot, you’ll then realize who the true guru of hardly working is… smoke that!