Are They Talking Bout Me???

Guess what happened to me at work last week? I went to use the restroom nearest my cubicle, but found that it was being cleaned by Housekeeping. I decided to go to the bathroom one floor up, which is on the same floor as my manager's office.

When I got there, I found that it was going to take longer than I thought. (Im not gonna gross you out by telling you what I had to do!!!)


Anyway, I hunker down in the stall farthest from the door. After about three minutes, I hear the main door open. I decide to take my time, because I didnt want whoever was in there to know I was the cause of the not so pleasant smell lingering in the air!



After about thirty seconds, the restroom door opens again, and I realize that before that second door opening, I hadn't heard a stall door creak, or clothes rustling. That was my first clue that something was up, so I get quiet, and pray my body doesn't betray me.



I hear greetings being exchanged and I realize it was my manager and one of my co-workers. The girl is a nosey one who sits a cube behind me, and she's always in everyone's business. Just last month I sent out an E-invitation for my annual BBQ, and this busybody read every single response! How do I know? Because she walked up behind me while I was at my desk banging away at the keyboard and made casually remarks, "I guess I'm the last to know." I don't even turn around before asking, "Last to know what?" She doesn't respond, so I'm forced to turn around to face her. She peers over her glasses and says, "I guess I'm the last to know you're dating Grant." I look at her in confusion. "Huh?" She folds her arms across her chest and sighs, "I saw what he wrote in response to your invitation. He said he was definitely coming, "BEAUTIFUL." Why would Grant call you beautiful if you guys weren't an item or something?"


It took all my strength not to strangle that meddling idiot. I took a deep breath before replying, "Just because he called me beautiful doesn't mean we are a couple. And anyway, are you saying you read EVERY reply in the list of responses?" She looks at me, and shrugs her shoulders. "Yes, I did. Is there something wrong with that?" I just turn back around to face my computer, put on my headphones and turn the volume of my iPod Nano up full blast.



SO now that I realize who is in the bathroom with my boss, I quietly draw my legs up, and lean back against the wall.

After a brief pause, Miss Busybody says in a hushed tone, "Mrs. Brown, what did you want to know about Sasha?" Mrs. Brown replies, "I'm thinking of giving her more responsibility around the office, but not sure whether she is capable of taking on a heavier workload. Since you keep a finger on the pulse of the office, and being you are so close to her, maybe you could clue me in about Sasha's work habits."



(They're talking about me! Oh wow. Maybe I should have been nicer to Nosey.)



"Mrs. Brown, I try to always mind my own affairs in the work place. You know that don't you?" (Wish I could see the look on Brown's face at that BS.) Mrs. Brown clears her throat and says, "Of course! But you do sit directly behind Sasha, so tell me what you know."


"True," Nosey says.



(At this point I'm holding my breath. What is this woman going to say about me? I barely ever talk to her. She doesn't know anything about me, or how I handle business. "Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?")



"To be honest, Sasha is very quiet. I haven't heard anything about her being a slacker or anything. As a matter of fact, I think she is pretty good to go because if she missed deadlines or rubbed people the wrong way, I would have heard about it." Mrs. Brown is silent. Then Nosey abruptly says, "I mean, not that I partake in gossip. But I really have not heard any negative things about Sasha. If anything, I would say that girl needs to be a little more social with the rest of us downstairs. But I don't know if that would be a good thing now that she is going to get a promotion and all."



(I couldn't believe my ears. Nosey actually came through for me! I almost fell off the toilet.)



"Wait a minute, don't jump the gun," Mrs. Brown says. "I am not promoting Sasha, just thinking of giving her a little more responsibility. At this point, that is all. OK?" Nosey must have nodded because I hear Mrs. Brown approaching the restroom door.



Then I hear Mrs. Brown's voice: "Thanks for chatting, dear. And please remember to keep this between us."


"No worries Mrs. Brown. You can trust me!"



The door closes and I assume it was Mrs. Brown that left. I sigh with relief. My legs are cramped and just as I'm about to stretch them out, I hear the door of the stall two doors away close and lock. Nosey makes water and says aloud, "I can't wait to tell Jaye and Robin about this! We are going to have a new boss, and a new office romance!"



I guess the heifer didn't believe me about Grant. And if she wants to spread rumors about a promotion, so be it. I can't wait to move up to this floor anyhow.

Guru Rant: One of THOSE days

submitted by Goose

Today is one of those days…
I know we have touched on the topic of “Skaters” in a past update but it has reached a new level so I think it deserves a new name.

Let’s just say I hate my job. Let me clarify. I love what I do, I love my boss and I love my one co-worker. But there is one person that makes me dread coming to my office. She makes me think about hitting that parked car on the side of the road in the morning. She makes me think twice about if it’s worth getting fired because I have caused her physical pain. It’s to the point that I don’t even consider her a woman… she is a snake. The way she talks, the way she moves, the way she acts… it all has a slither to it.

She is conniving. Let’s just say there is a file on her computer where she documents my every action, my every email and I wouldn’t be surprised if that file even documented my every conversation. And then she just waits. Sitting on this useless information until she is ready to attack and manipulate this information that she has stored and use it against me. I have seen it happen.

She is rude. She can slither around the office bouncing from one loud conversation to the next, disrupting everyone in her path or earshot. But the second you decide to let your hair down at the end of the day, on a Friday to discuss weekend plans with your next-door co-worker…she attacks by calling you rude and obnoxious. She coils back in shock that “she is the only one still on the clock and still has important work to do.” But earlier in the day she killed you slowly by talking just loud of enough to the woman across the room about why pepper jack is her favorite cheese.

She is lazy. She will not go one step above and beyond doing absolutely nothing! She finds a way to pass each of her tasks off to a helpless victim. But still claims that it was her task so she deserves full credit for the work. She will not learn a new skill. If she is unaware of how to use a tool on the computer or create a table on Word, she snatches up the closest person and offers her chair to them and asks them to perform the 5th grade-level task while she continues her cheese conversation with a new victim. While she does this, I am slapping her – in my head.

I am an outgoing person who can get along with a rock. But the only thoughts I have of this woman-ish creature, is getting a shovel, cutting her head off with the sharp edge and watching her squirm as she dies a slow, painful death. That is the only way to kill a snake, right?