Vacate from Talking about your Vacations

Must I really start off this message by saying that, “Times are Hard?!” If a person hasn’t lost their job these days, more than likely their hours have been cut or their salaries have been furloughed. And if it is not your coworker, maybe it’s their spouse that hit economic troubles. You just don’t know these days. A loss of a job could equal out to a loss of healthcare. And who’s to say that your coworker that depended on their spouses’ healthcare can afford to pick up the slack. Yet-in-still, you want to talk about your previous or future vacation to every person in your sights.

Really though, must everybody hear about how many points you’ve saved up from your trips across country and the world abroad? Must we hear about the car service that picked you up from the hotel and drop you off on white sand beaches with violinist awaiting your arrival? What if I’m broke? What if I could barely afford to get back and forth to work? Yet you are blocking off the exit to my cube so I could hear about you learning how to belly dance.

I get it. I’m supposed to be happy for you. You went off on a 14-day cruise of the Mediterranean, and you just wanted to share your experiences. Cool, I get that. But it is when you are talking about your next trip, and how your husband travels all the time; so now a 7 day trip will only be charged for 2 of those days. Wow, won’t you open up your eyes. I lost a lot of weight huh… well maybe because I’m not eating as much, because I can’t afford to! You should think about whom you are talking to… when was the last time you saw this person take a vacation? Never, right? But you are going on and on about clear waters and tropical fish.

How about this… how about you go and sit your ass down somewhere before you get cursed out by your stressed out coworker. Stop being self consumed. What, you don’t believe that talking to a person that lives in an apartment, about the next house you’re about to buy, is wrong? And you wonder why nobody wants to spend their 60 minute lunch with you. Be considerate of others…

OHW Rewind: Not Again... who jammed the copier?!!

“Boop, boop, boop,” goes the sound of the copier. I could hear its cries from 15 cubicle aisles away. I could also hear the culprit getting out of dodge before anyone noticed that they stuck a stapled packet of paper into the feed tray.

It has become a pet peeve of mine to see the copier left in the state of dysfunction. And out of 300 people on the floor, I always end up getting rid of the jam and walking away without a thank you. As a matter of fact, people would wait in line and ask me if I’m finished fixing it yet. Ungrateful S.O.B’s.

Well I decided to walk in the direction of the copier, once again. Once I got to the copier, I shifted into my Jack Bauer mode. It’s not enough that I fix the jam; I look for clues as to who may have jammed it as well. I took a look at the control panel and saw that every letter was lit. Damn, the mother load…

I opened up the front panel, pull down the side panels and got to twisting the knobs in the direction instructed. I found one piece of crinkled paper after another. There were six pieces of paper; four of them covered in inky evidence. I closed up the panels and the jam was still present. I checked the copier one more time. There weren’t any jams left, so I reset the copier and everything was cool.

It was a fairly easy procedure. Anybody could have fixed it. So whoever walked away didn’t want to get their hands dirty or be caught fixing a copier (thanks). I looked at the documents and saw the initials RM – Rebeka “Becky” McCormick, the office’s Angelina Jolie. Rebeka adopted three children abroad; she can’t seem to stop bragging about her children’s nanny or her pool boy Juan. She’s “happily married” and yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if Juan is cleaning out more than the pool-- everyday I might add.

With another mystery solved, I placed the crinkled paper in her inbox and walked back to my desk. And as soon as I sat down, “boop, boop, boop!” I’m not getting paid enough for this ****.

So what are some of your office pet peeves? Do you have any copier stories to tell?

OHW Rewind -- Break Hustlers: Smokers

photo via Anti-pimp

Look, I understand that you have an addiction. Me, I’m addicted to push-pins. Right now, I have a push-pin of Africa, including Madagascar on my cubicle wall. So yes, I understand addiction. However, my addiction doesn’t allow me anywhere between 2 – 4 extra breaks at my job.

I thought that I was hardly working until I peeped what our office smokers were getting away with. “I have to go smoke a bud,” they’d say. “I’m stressed out, I’ll be right back,” they’d say. No matter the excuse, they are briskly headed for the exits and no one could be the wiser.

Except for me, the non-smoker. It’s not like they Febreeze themselves before coming back. You can smell the nicotine from 10 cubicle aisles away, not to mention the hot breath they acquired while eating an onion bagel just 20 minutes before. I just don’t understand how these people can get away with extra breaks, yet would monitor me if I so happen to come back 10 minutes late from lunch.

I don’t have any tips to stop the ‘Break Hustlers’ from doing their business. I’ll just be damned if every day their smoke breaks equal up to an extra hour of free time and I am not getting mine. When I walk back into the office with lunch from Popeye’s and you know that it takes 20 minutes each way to get there, not including the time it takes to get my car out of the lot, you’ll then realize who the true guru of hardly working is… smoke that!

What should you do when your days are numbered?

I've been working in the Administration field for quite some time now. You know, answering phones, filing, scheduling, typing, data entry, the whole sha'bang.

Well you would think my name was John Connor when I tell you that I could see the future. *war music here* I could see an office without me and my administrative staff. An office where every hard document will become digital; where all file cabinets will become a thing of the past; where professionals will have no choice but to answer their own freakin' phone.

Are you in the midst of or have previously assisted in making your work place more efficient, technologically advanced? Are you welcoming in the very software, which for some reason you feel will take your job in the near future? Has the Terminator come for your livelihood?

If all roads are clearing to a not so certain future for you, don't try to fake yourself out of it. Exhibit positivity. Prepare as if you knew the date of your Judgment Day. If you have time saved up, find fun ways of using it, slowly but surely. Save, Save, and save money some more. And if drawing from unemployment is a part of your future, pray to your higher power that you're not in a state which is swimming in debt. Yes, your contributions are owed to you. However, the extention of unemployment benefits beyond your contributions aren't guaranteed.

Whether you are in this boat or not, what I can guarantee is that someone you know, is in this boat. A small business can be run from an iPhone these days. Be prepared for the worst, in the best way possible. Maybe you could fight off our judgment day by going to school for another certification, degree, license, etc.

If you actually believe that the workforce in this country is getting any better, "Don't believe the hype!"

It's 3:45pm on a Friday, LEAVE ME ALONE!

I understand, you don't want to go home for the weekend because you'll have to spend it with the family you've built. This is why you are calling just before I am out the door with 15 minutes to go, with a conversation that is bound to last for 45 minutes!

Look, I want to go home, and I will go home when the clock allows it. I could care less if your kids have Karate practice or your spouse is sick with the flu, and you don't want to deal with it. You will not keep me from leaving my office when I am allowed!

Why are you calling or stopping by this late on a Friday anyway?You know that people are getting ready to leave the office. Why didn't you finish your project this morning? Oh yea, you were yammering your mouth this morning and now you want to bother me. Hardly!!!

Here is what you should do... Stop procrastinating and get your work done early. Leave me alone. I know that I am on the clock, but you're breaking an unspoken rule, "When Friday's time is winding, don't come arriving!"

What to do when a GOOD boss leaves

We NEVER thought it would happen; it's just one of those rare occurrences in life, but now we know that it's possible.... One of the OWH gurus actually likes her boss!
I hope that statement doesnt cause any of you to stop following the OWH blog, but we pride ourselves on being honest, and well... the boss is cool, what can we say?

With that being said, let me tell you that this post is not about ass-kissing. We're just gonna give you a few tips about surviving when a good boss leaves.

1) Don't get all down in the mouth. There isnt anything wrong with letting your fave boss know he's cool, but don't overdo it. you'll look like a brown nose, and we HATE brown nosers.

2) Attend his farewell luncheon. We're not trying to be hypocrites. We know we've given tips on how to escape these typically boring events, but since you actually like the boss, you could at least do him the courtesy of showing up at his "going away".

3) Do not could-shoulder your new boss. He/she may actually be okay. (fingers crossed)

4) Do not start slacking more than usual. Its a new boss, not a substitute teacher. With that said, don't volunteer for more work. We hate work, and so do you, right?

5) Now that the old boss is gone, this is your opportunity to school the new boss in doing things the way YOU like. Since you've been around longer, the new boss will have to lean on you. USE THIS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!

That's all for now! Check back later for more OHW...
Now that the fave boss is gone, we'll be back Hardly Working!

-The Gurus

Guru Physical: relief for your pain in the neck (literally)

If you are like me, you harbor the resentment of having to work a 9-5 in your neck and shoulders, which causes pain and discomfort. Sometimes I feel cramps in my neck and my shoulder. NO matter what I do, no matter which way I position my chair or mouse, my neck hurts!

I did some Internet research and found a few "exercise at your desk" moves that actually relieve my neck and shoulder pain for a while. Hope they help you too:

1) Deep breathing

Anxiety alters our natural breathing pattern. I know every time "shufflefoot," my nosy co-worker approaches, my heart beats a little faster. I calm myself by inhaling as deeply as I can then hold that breath for as long as is comfortable. Next, I exhale slowly until my diaphragm is completely emptied. If you breathe in this mindful manner, focusing on nothing but your breathing and how good it feels to relax, for several minutes, you’ll be amazed at how much more relaxed you’ll feel after even just a few minutes.

2)Play a game

There are stress-relieving video games available for download to your phone (Blackberry or iPhone included). Do a Google search and see what you come up with. If all else fails, play Solitaire on your desktop during lunch. It really does help.

3) Stretch

I know you can't do an all out head-to-toes stretch in your cubicle, or in the middle of your office common area (well you can as long as you don't mind people staring), but there are some discreet stretches that can be done right in your office chair!

Neck rolls, shoulder shrugs, wrist and ankle rotations, and calf flexing are just a few examples of places that can be loosened without bringing too much attention to yourself. Try tensing and releasing each muscle group independently, working through your entire body. It really works!

4) Get the hell out of your chair

By simply walking, you’ll get those endorphins flowing and will release tension. Its easy to fit it in. Try using the bathroom farthest from your cube, or taking the stairs when you go to lunch. If the weather's nice, take a 10-minute stroll around outside. It's good to get some fresh air and look at it this way, that's 10 minutes away from your nose-picking boss and slacker cube-mate!

5) Touch yourself

Use the power of touch to melt that tension away. How? With the tips of your fingers.

Place the tips of your middle and forefingers at your temples, and massage in small circles with firm pressure. This also works on the hinges of your jaw. You would be surprised at how much tension is held in the jaw. It feels good to loosen those muscles up too. You can open your mouth really wide (as if you're yawning) for good measure. Do that while you massage, and you are guaranteed to feel better! We promise.

That's all for now. Hope this helps until you hit the lottery, curse out everyone that has ever done you wrong at the job and finally take that cruise around the world! It's a fantasy but we believe that one day you'll get out of the godforsaken office you have to schlep to daily. Oh yes, we can see it now, the sandy beaches, crystal blue waters.... well, you get the drift.

If you want more details about relieving stress at work, look it up! I'm trying my best NOT to work that hard...

-the Guru

Elevator Etiquette

Every day, every single day, I am humbled by the use of the elevator. I am quite thrilled by the snug, personal ride with total strangers that have their early morning and late day quirks that make my daily rides up and down worthwhile. (Peep the sarcasm going on, it’s melodic.)

Do you want to know what burns me up? Crammers! These are the people that believe there is enough room for them to squeeze into the small metal box. To them, one foot of space is golden and the discomfort is only temporary. To me, I am twisting and climbing over people to get out and wait for the next elevator. No, I am not claustrophobic. I am more Billyphobic and choose not to have anybody’s hind parts or fore parts forced upon me. And what if I am holding a bag full of steaming hot breakfast, just dangling at stranger-cheek level? Need I say more?

You can dodge crammers by keeping a tab on these metal box offenders. Crammers don’t just up and change their ways. They will cram every chance they get. And if not them, there might be a co-crammer on the elevator, ready and willing to say, “C’mon, there’s enough room, we can make room for you.” Damn co-crammer, you are NOT the captain of the elevator.

My suggestion is while waiting for an elevator, take a look at the pack of people walking towards you. Make a choice on which pack you’d like to spend the next few minutes with. If you are claustrophobic, I suggest you stand closest to the door as others climb on. This way, you have the freedom to get off the elevator when capacity is reached.

I beseech you, do not stand next to the floor grid during a cram job. You already don’t want to be at work in the first place. Imagine how you’ll feel when every person that walks onto the elevator “politely” asks you to press their floor number. Only Guru’s back away from the floor grid and give the person requesting their floor number to be pushed, a look that says, “Hardly!”

David Letterman: Or Hardly Working Hall-of-Infamous

Sometimes we like to wait it out at OHW… we are opposed to running into burning buildings before having all the information at hand. So here we go. We’ve touched on Office Relationships before, you know, the pro’s and con’s of bouncing your boss off their cherry wood desk. Now lookey here; talk show host David Letterman admitted to engaging in office bouncing and played it oh’ so calm.

The media tried to stew up some potential backlash on the midday-taped late night star. Hardly… the next show doubled in ratings and part of his monologue joked about him raking hate mail from his home. As for the ‘Young Tenders’ he bounced, the sex was consensual. I mean, why wouldn’t it be in this case? The women were young, impressionable and looking for a little face time (no pun intended). One of his trysts actually made it on the show. I would guess that this fueled other grunts to make a move or get moved.

Letterman is not likely to receive any charges for these incidents. However, the young women at the center of this ratings boost will go through a career of people knowing what lengths they’d take to advance.

To all women, this message is for you. Women are an intricate force in the advancement of companies all over the world. But when you decide to become sexually active with a co-worker or boss, socially, your perception becomes that of a woman that has slept her way to the top; even if the man that you are sleeping with isn’t a direct part of your success. Some people would much rather believe that you laid down for your position, than earned it through hard work and sacrifice. Yes, this is a double standard, and there is nothing that any of us can do about it. So be careful…

-The GURUS

We at OrHardlyWorking...

...would like to wish Co-Founder Sha'ahn Williams a Very Happy Birthday... now get back to work... Hardly!

The (S)talker: You Can't Escape the Inevitable

Do you find yourself creeping around the cubicle maze, trying to keep your height below the teal green walls, hoping that you will not be...

"Hey, let me tell you about what my husband did last night," says the (S)talker.

Every office has one... if you have more than one, we feel for you. The (S)talker (stalker + talker) is the co-worker that can't get enough of telling the same story, word for word to any person that gives eye contact for more than .001 of a second. They are fearless, cunning, and down right annoying. The (S)talker has no sense of time or work schedule for themself, but they know your every move - from car to building, from elevator to office, from desk to lounge, from lunch and back.

The (S)talker is relentless to a point that if you are on your phone, they will hover around until you hang up and immediately hop into a story about their poison ivy covered kids, Stetson drenched husband, nagging wives and family vacations that you can't afford to go on.

There is no escape. If you try to walk to the copier, they'll follow you. If you are in the middle of a conversation, they'll hop in off topic and shut it down. If you are microwaving your lunch, they'll pop up right behind you to say that Healthy Choice is a better frozen food brand than what you're about to eat and that her daughter went through a menstrual cycle for the first time over the weekend.

Let's face it, Batman couldn't hold a candle up to the ninja-like skills the (S)talker possesses. However, we at OrHardlyWorking came up with a few ways to delay your (S)talker from talking about how their son bowled a 215 with his lucky red jammies on.

• The Tag-Team method - since the (S)talker is pretty loud in telling their stories, one of your tag-team partners could call you on the phone, and you could act like a work emergency just came up. Please leave the area immediately without many words. "I gotta Go" should be enough

I know, only one tip. We wish we had more tips, but boy are these (S)talkers some crafty SOB's...

Tell us about the (S)talkers in your office area, and how do you get rid of them...