OHW Rewind: Has your lunch ever embarrassed you?

Have you ever brought food to work or school that you could not bring yourself to eat in front of your co-workers or classmates? Maybe it was tuna and you didn't want to hear complaints about the smell. Or even peanut butter and jelly?
Today I brought Chicken in a Biskit crackers and chicken Vienna Sausages. I was only working half a day, and didn't need anything too heavy. So, when I saw the crackers and sausages in the pantry this morning, while deciding what to take to munch on, I snatched them up!
However, once I got to work, I realized what a horrible mistake I had made. Here I am making a very good salary, trying not to stand out as the only "colored" person in the office (that's another story!) and I find myself about to chow down on potted meat (in phallic form) and crackers! What does that say about me? Does it reveal my impoverished upbringing? I mean, what will people say? And the smell? well, you know what vienna sausages smell like, don't you? (They kind of smell like spam flavored hot dog water.)
Anyway, I blatantly placed the box of crackers on my desk. The sausages... Well, they're in my purse. I have them securely wedged between my wallet, and a bottle of water. I use a fork to dip down into my purse when nobody's looking, and quickly snatch up a yummy piece of pressed meat .

I bet my co-worker is wondering why I keep dipping down under my desk. And he's probably wondering about the smell...

Farting in the Workplace

We all have to do it. Sometimes it can't be avoided. You just got to let that gas go.
If you don't, you'll have pains and discomfort., But you don't want to, because of the inevitable embarrassment.

The lucky bastards have offices of their own, and are able to simply shut the door and whistle as they blow.

The rest of us, more often than not, belong to the cubicle nation, and share close quarters with several other people.

We, the gurus of ...OrHardlyWorking have compiled a guide to letting go without endangering yourself of being let go. Check it out, and give these babies a try. We guarantee you won't be disappointed. (at least, we hope you won't be disappointed)

1. Walk to the water cooler, and slowly let the gas go. This way, if it is particularly foul smelling, no one will know who did it, or when.

2. Let it go quickly, then spray a squirt or two of body spray or cologne. If you don't have either of these items, use hand sanitizer. Just squeeze a big dollop onto your palm, but don't rub it in until it evaporates! Rub it into your palms enough to ensure it doesn't fly out of your hands, and then fan your area around your chair. The air will smell like alcohol. (This also works with fragranced hand lotion)

3. Choose a place to sit, or stand. Let the gas seep out slowly, then when you are done, quickly walk away.

4. Go into the bathroom to let it out. (This only works if you feel it coming on and have time to get to the restroom. Otherwise, just do a variation of #1)

5. Fart and fan, fart and fan. You can fan your nether regions with a folder. It works best if you fan upward and out to disperse the gas.

6. If you don't think you can let it go quietly, simply cough loudly and let 'er rip! That way, you cover up the noise. If you happen to have one of those sneaky ones just pop out without warning, simply adjust yourself in your chair roughly causing your chair to squeak. A squeaky chair is great camouflage for breaking wind.

7. If noise and not smell is your dilemma, simply part the cheeks. The reason breaking wind makes noise is because the gas released from your body causes friction between the glutes. If possible, part the cheeks, and be sound free. If you're sitting down, you can slide one hand under one of your glutes and simply pull it outward. Works like a charm.

8. Play the blame game. You can always wrinkle up your nose and state that you smell something foul. Of course the "Whoever smelt it, dealt it" rule applies, and your coworkers will probably suspect you are the stinky culprit.

9. Keep a Glad sandwich container with old, rotten food in your desk drawer. When you have to let one loose, simply take the top off, and exclaim, "Oh my God! I can not believe I left this in my desk. It stinks to high heaven. I'm throwing this away right now!" You'll have to put up with the smell of whatever's in there (tuna is a good one), but at least you can take the office's noses off you! (Be sure not to throw away the container. You can always use that one again.)

If you don't like the idea of rotten food in your drawer, try peanut butter. That is an excellent source of gas-covering capability.

Hey! There's no reason to get all backed up , and your intestines tied in a knot because you are afraid to let go. Remember, the doctor says keeping in gas is bad for you. So follow the guide and you can cut the cheese all day. No one will ever be the wiser.