Farting in the Workplace Part Deux (finally)

You knew it was coming. Some of you even made requests for more. Not sure why the first nine tips weren't enough, but to help our fellow cubicle family members out, the gurus have been slaving away (okay not really) researching more discreet ways for you to let that clam sauce you had last night pass through your system without disturbing your cube mate at the office. Here are three ADDITIONAL ways to keep the smell (and attention) away from you when you catch a case of the bubbles:

1. Use the copier as your cover. The copy machine is extremely noisy and will mask even the loudest farts. This is also another way to employ Rule Number One of the first installment we published back in July. Only thing with the copier cover is you have to make sure you time your farts with the rhythm of the printing, or you might be found out!

2. Clean your desk/ workspace with Lysol. Lysol is your friend. Lysol isn't only good for killing 99% of germs -- it's good for masking odors. Buy one of those mini bottles and keep it in your drawer. When you need to let one rip, bust out the dusting cloth and Lysol. It works quickly too, and no one will be able to tell you just pooted unless it's noisy.

3. Get some air. Canned air can be a life saver. To break up that funky gas, pump a few blasts of canned air near your fanny as soon as you break wind. That freezing cold air will annihilate those stinky gas molecules in an instant and cool you down too, if it was a hot one. Don't forget to take the little straw thing out before using it though, or else it wont blast enough air to cover you!

Hey, we all do it, and we all have to let it out. The doctor says keeping in gas is bad for you. So follow the guide (or refer back to the first one) and we guarantee that you will be able to cut the cheese all day without fear of being sniffed out. We know you'll thank us the next time you're driving to work and you let a nasty one go, knowing that it'll only get worse as the day goes on.

Hate to be Back... but I can Dream of an Alternate Reality

Isn't one of the worst feelings in the world the one of dread you feel Sunday night before retuning to work after a holiday? I know it is for me. I hate it!

Part of me is definitely thankful that I have a means to make ends meet and whatnot, but most of me longs to be free of the ball and chain that is my cubicle and desk.

Oh how I envy those who own profitable online businesses and blogs. How nice would it be to not even have to get out of bed Mon-Fri? I can picture it now... I simply roll over, pluck my Mac notebook off my nightstand and log on to work. (I'd have a coffee maker in my bedroom of course and a little fridge for a quick breakfast) Around 1130 I would get a bite for lunch, have a quick workout, and then around 1 pm I would log back on to tie up whatever loose ends need to be tied.

No cubes, no pesky shuffling co-workers trying to shift their work on me, no annoying potlucks to attend, no dumb networking events with phony ass-kissers trying to steal your job, no boss to take orders from.... Yeah, that's the life I dream of.

Oh well, probably wont happen. Why? Because I realize that a life like that actually takes more work to become a success than it does working for Big Business and sit here at the office Hardly Working... But still, I can fantasize.

What do you dream of while you're Hardly Working on the "Man's" dime?

-the gurus

Farting in the Workplace

We all have to do it. Sometimes it can't be avoided. You just got to let that gas go.
If you don't, you'll have pains and discomfort., But you don't want to, because of the inevitable embarrassment.

The lucky bastards have offices of their own, and are able to simply shut the door and whistle as they blow.

The rest of us, more often than not, belong to the cubicle nation, and share close quarters with several other people.

We, the gurus of ...OrHardlyWorking have compiled a guide to letting go without endangering yourself of being let go. Check it out, and give these babies a try. We guarantee you won't be disappointed. (at least, we hope you won't be disappointed)

1. Walk to the water cooler, and slowly let the gas go. This way, if it is particularly foul smelling, no one will know who did it, or when.

2. Let it go quickly, then spray a squirt or two of body spray or cologne. If you don't have either of these items, use hand sanitizer. Just squeeze a big dollop onto your palm, but don't rub it in until it evaporates! Rub it into your palms enough to ensure it doesn't fly out of your hands, and then fan your area around your chair. The air will smell like alcohol. (This also works with fragranced hand lotion)

3. Choose a place to sit, or stand. Let the gas seep out slowly, then when you are done, quickly walk away.

4. Go into the bathroom to let it out. (This only works if you feel it coming on and have time to get to the restroom. Otherwise, just do a variation of #1)

5. Fart and fan, fart and fan. You can fan your nether regions with a folder. It works best if you fan upward and out to disperse the gas.

6. If you don't think you can let it go quietly, simply cough loudly and let 'er rip! That way, you cover up the noise. If you happen to have one of those sneaky ones just pop out without warning, simply adjust yourself in your chair roughly causing your chair to squeak. A squeaky chair is great camouflage for breaking wind.

7. If noise and not smell is your dilemma, simply part the cheeks. The reason breaking wind makes noise is because the gas released from your body causes friction between the glutes. If possible, part the cheeks, and be sound free. If you're sitting down, you can slide one hand under one of your glutes and simply pull it outward. Works like a charm.

8. Play the blame game. You can always wrinkle up your nose and state that you smell something foul. Of course the "Whoever smelt it, dealt it" rule applies, and your coworkers will probably suspect you are the stinky culprit.

9. Keep a Glad sandwich container with old, rotten food in your desk drawer. When you have to let one loose, simply take the top off, and exclaim, "Oh my God! I can not believe I left this in my desk. It stinks to high heaven. I'm throwing this away right now!" You'll have to put up with the smell of whatever's in there (tuna is a good one), but at least you can take the office's noses off you! (Be sure not to throw away the container. You can always use that one again.)

If you don't like the idea of rotten food in your drawer, try peanut butter. That is an excellent source of gas-covering capability.

Hey! There's no reason to get all backed up , and your intestines tied in a knot because you are afraid to let go. Remember, the doctor says keeping in gas is bad for you. So follow the guide and you can cut the cheese all day. No one will ever be the wiser.