Are They Talking Bout Me???

Guess what happened to me at work last week? I went to use the restroom nearest my cubicle, but found that it was being cleaned by Housekeeping. I decided to go to the bathroom one floor up, which is on the same floor as my manager's office.

When I got there, I found that it was going to take longer than I thought. (Im not gonna gross you out by telling you what I had to do!!!)


Anyway, I hunker down in the stall farthest from the door. After about three minutes, I hear the main door open. I decide to take my time, because I didnt want whoever was in there to know I was the cause of the not so pleasant smell lingering in the air!



After about thirty seconds, the restroom door opens again, and I realize that before that second door opening, I hadn't heard a stall door creak, or clothes rustling. That was my first clue that something was up, so I get quiet, and pray my body doesn't betray me.



I hear greetings being exchanged and I realize it was my manager and one of my co-workers. The girl is a nosey one who sits a cube behind me, and she's always in everyone's business. Just last month I sent out an E-invitation for my annual BBQ, and this busybody read every single response! How do I know? Because she walked up behind me while I was at my desk banging away at the keyboard and made casually remarks, "I guess I'm the last to know." I don't even turn around before asking, "Last to know what?" She doesn't respond, so I'm forced to turn around to face her. She peers over her glasses and says, "I guess I'm the last to know you're dating Grant." I look at her in confusion. "Huh?" She folds her arms across her chest and sighs, "I saw what he wrote in response to your invitation. He said he was definitely coming, "BEAUTIFUL." Why would Grant call you beautiful if you guys weren't an item or something?"


It took all my strength not to strangle that meddling idiot. I took a deep breath before replying, "Just because he called me beautiful doesn't mean we are a couple. And anyway, are you saying you read EVERY reply in the list of responses?" She looks at me, and shrugs her shoulders. "Yes, I did. Is there something wrong with that?" I just turn back around to face my computer, put on my headphones and turn the volume of my iPod Nano up full blast.



SO now that I realize who is in the bathroom with my boss, I quietly draw my legs up, and lean back against the wall.

After a brief pause, Miss Busybody says in a hushed tone, "Mrs. Brown, what did you want to know about Sasha?" Mrs. Brown replies, "I'm thinking of giving her more responsibility around the office, but not sure whether she is capable of taking on a heavier workload. Since you keep a finger on the pulse of the office, and being you are so close to her, maybe you could clue me in about Sasha's work habits."



(They're talking about me! Oh wow. Maybe I should have been nicer to Nosey.)



"Mrs. Brown, I try to always mind my own affairs in the work place. You know that don't you?" (Wish I could see the look on Brown's face at that BS.) Mrs. Brown clears her throat and says, "Of course! But you do sit directly behind Sasha, so tell me what you know."


"True," Nosey says.



(At this point I'm holding my breath. What is this woman going to say about me? I barely ever talk to her. She doesn't know anything about me, or how I handle business. "Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?")



"To be honest, Sasha is very quiet. I haven't heard anything about her being a slacker or anything. As a matter of fact, I think she is pretty good to go because if she missed deadlines or rubbed people the wrong way, I would have heard about it." Mrs. Brown is silent. Then Nosey abruptly says, "I mean, not that I partake in gossip. But I really have not heard any negative things about Sasha. If anything, I would say that girl needs to be a little more social with the rest of us downstairs. But I don't know if that would be a good thing now that she is going to get a promotion and all."



(I couldn't believe my ears. Nosey actually came through for me! I almost fell off the toilet.)



"Wait a minute, don't jump the gun," Mrs. Brown says. "I am not promoting Sasha, just thinking of giving her a little more responsibility. At this point, that is all. OK?" Nosey must have nodded because I hear Mrs. Brown approaching the restroom door.



Then I hear Mrs. Brown's voice: "Thanks for chatting, dear. And please remember to keep this between us."


"No worries Mrs. Brown. You can trust me!"



The door closes and I assume it was Mrs. Brown that left. I sigh with relief. My legs are cramped and just as I'm about to stretch them out, I hear the door of the stall two doors away close and lock. Nosey makes water and says aloud, "I can't wait to tell Jaye and Robin about this! We are going to have a new boss, and a new office romance!"



I guess the heifer didn't believe me about Grant. And if she wants to spread rumors about a promotion, so be it. I can't wait to move up to this floor anyhow.

The Loud Talker

This post is dedicated to the Loud Talkers of the cubicle nation.

There's usually at least one to a floor, or section. Heaven help you if there is more than one in any given 1ox10 ft area. And if you are a violator, I hate you!!!

Loud Talkers don't seem to have any idea how loud they talk. Doesn't matter what the subject is either. Could be telling you about the death of an icon, or their kid's Little League championship game. Doesn't matter. They will use the same volume either way.

They have an awful habit of repeating stories to anyone and everyone, so whether or not you are actually engaged directly in a conversation with a Loud Talker, you will know all the ins and outs of everything that happened to him in the last 24 hours.

You hear every conversation he has on the telephone even though he sits more than five cubes down.

If he's happy, you hear him singing.

If he's upset, you hear his complaining.

When people in the office really get busy and quiet down (because they are mashing computer keys with their fingers), he must interrupt them with some random outburst. Today it was something about Clarence Carter having recorded a better song than Strokin' 32 years before.

If it's quiet in the office, he tries to get other people to be loud like he is by insulting them.

How does he insult the quiet NORMAL toned people? Like this:

"You all aren't talking to me enough today. What's going on? Somebody say something. I can't be the only person with LIFE in this office!!! You people are boring. I'm going to bring in a radio for entertainment."
Naturally, people try to defend themselves by saying they aren't boring, they have work to do, and things of that nature.

To be fair, we have to mention that if it weren't for Loud Talkers the office probably would be more boring than usual, but they just tend to to be intrusive at the most inconvenient times. They want to break the silence when you are on a roll, and just so in the zone. You're slaying keys left and right. Then -- BAM! You hear, "I woke up in a soggy house this morning!"

Of course you give the Loud Talker your attention because he's piqued your curiosity at this point, and you have to find out how in the hell he could have a soggy house.
The story ends up going on for a good 15-20 minutes, and now you lost that thing you had and have to try to motivate yourself to get back into work mode. It was hard enough to get into the groove in the first place because we all know how much you hate your job.

You look at your watch and realize it's nearly quitting time anyway.

Loud Talkers aren't that bad. Just don't make the mistake of telling them something you don't want the rest of the world to hear because they have a tendency to be hard of hearing and often repeat what you just told them very loudly.

"What'd you say? You're period just came on, and you need to run to the store to pick up a pad or tampon!!?"

Don't let it happen to you. Loud Talkers are for entertainment purposes only. They are also good for a distraction when you need one. But take heed, they are a formidable foe. Even your iPod is powerless against them. Believe us, you will hear them over your music.