Or Hardly Working Guest Blogger Spotlight: Show Us What You Got!

We're Having a Contest!!!

The Gurus of ...OrHardlyWorking never have been fans of hard work, so they came up with the brilliant idea of letting you do our dirty work. What can we say? We'd prefer to hardly work. You knew that when you got here!

Here's the skinny:

1. In 500 words (300 minimum) tell us the funniest workplace story you can muster up.

2. It has to be an original story. (Although we like work as little as possible, you know we can't stand SKATERS so no plagiarizing!)

3. You can write about pretty much anything you want so long as it took place at your job. No foul language. We're not saints but we try to be kind of professional, so watch it.

4. Entries will be judged on clarity, grammar and of course on how hard we laugh! (Use spell check because we don't want to work any harder to get this thing knocked out!)

5. Deadline is Monday, June 14, so get cracking!

6. The writer of the winning entry will win a Dinner for Two on the Gurus' dime ($50)! No Joke! And the article will run on the OHW site for 3 business days.

7. Winner will be announced Friday, June 18.

8. Send your entry to OrHardlyWorking@Gmail.com today!

Good Luck!

Official Rules:

All entries received by ...OrHardlyWorking will become the property of ...OrHardlyWorking. Participants must be at least 18 years of age to participate. Value of prize is fifty US Dollars. Winners will be notified by email by Thursday, June 17, 2010. Open to everyone with a mailing address! Sorry, no APOs accepted!

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...Or Hardly Working Rewind: Who ate my lunch?

Just the other day was proof to me that karma does exist. Wow, well it was my lunch time and I was as hungry as a North Korean detainee. I was thinking about my frozen dinner something serious. The noodles, the juicy white chicken, the cheese sauce, mmmmm that Stouffers. I walked into the lounge with a huge smile on my face that was interrupted by a familiar smell in the air. It was a fresh smell from the microwave. My first thought was that someone bought the same frozen meal from home that I did. Well until I looked in the freezer and saw that my box, that had my name in permanent black marker, was gone from the place I left it. I moved everything around in the freezer and still didn't see it. Wow, I couldn't believe that I was possibly smelling my own meal in the air.

I looked in the garbage and saw a paper towel on top. I moved the paper towel and there it was... an empty box with my name on it. I'm not the type to become angry so quickly, but I was irate. How could someone steal my meal? It was a day before payday, so I didn't have the extra funds to replace it (well I did, but it was the principle). I walked back to my office area dejected, disappointed and distraught. I was waiting for someone to ask what was wrong with me. And once my supervisor asked, I went ballistic.

"How the **** could someone eat a lunch with my name on it," I screamed. "Who would do some **** like that? I smelled my lunch lingering in the air!"

I was on fire. I sent out an email to everybody on the floor. I wanted the world to know that someone stole my lunch. I just didn't think that I'd get 20 replies full of stories about other people having their items stolen. One person found their carton of milk full of water by the time they got to it. People were stopping by my office, telling me more stories, and vowing that they'd find the serial lunch snatcher.

About an hour later, I was standing in the lounge with a colleague when she saw a woman walk in and throw away a black microwavable bowl. She asked the woman what it was and the look on her face became suspicious. So I walked over to the trash can and saw the bowl with minor evidence of my meal in it.

"It was YOU," I said. "You ate my lunch didn't you?"

"No, I didn't eat your lunch," she said. "I found this bowl on the floor in the hallway so I picked it up and brought it in here."

"Really, on the floor," I asked. "Where on the floor was it? People were looking everywhere. You ate my lunch. And wait, is that alcohol I smell on your breath? Don't tell me you ate my lunch so you could buy a few drinks at the bar."

"I didn't eat your lunch," she said with a cracked voice. She walked away while I stood there shaking my head. Damn, my colleagues won't believe this when I tell them, I thought. Do you?

Farting in the Workplace Part Deux (finally)

You knew it was coming. Some of you even made requests for more. Not sure why the first nine tips weren't enough, but to help our fellow cubicle family members out, the gurus have been slaving away (okay not really) researching more discreet ways for you to let that clam sauce you had last night pass through your system without disturbing your cube mate at the office. Here are three ADDITIONAL ways to keep the smell (and attention) away from you when you catch a case of the bubbles:

1. Use the copier as your cover. The copy machine is extremely noisy and will mask even the loudest farts. This is also another way to employ Rule Number One of the first installment we published back in July. Only thing with the copier cover is you have to make sure you time your farts with the rhythm of the printing, or you might be found out!

2. Clean your desk/ workspace with Lysol. Lysol is your friend. Lysol isn't only good for killing 99% of germs -- it's good for masking odors. Buy one of those mini bottles and keep it in your drawer. When you need to let one rip, bust out the dusting cloth and Lysol. It works quickly too, and no one will be able to tell you just pooted unless it's noisy.

3. Get some air. Canned air can be a life saver. To break up that funky gas, pump a few blasts of canned air near your fanny as soon as you break wind. That freezing cold air will annihilate those stinky gas molecules in an instant and cool you down too, if it was a hot one. Don't forget to take the little straw thing out before using it though, or else it wont blast enough air to cover you!

Hey, we all do it, and we all have to let it out. The doctor says keeping in gas is bad for you. So follow the guide (or refer back to the first one) and we guarantee that you will be able to cut the cheese all day without fear of being sniffed out. We know you'll thank us the next time you're driving to work and you let a nasty one go, knowing that it'll only get worse as the day goes on.

How to Resolve an Office Conflict

Here at OrHardlyWorking we have discussed all types of annoying coworkers, including the brown nosers, the Tammy talk-a-lots, the office sticky fingers and the nose-picking bosses. Some coworkers can be innocently annoying while others are coworkers of another breed. A breed of employee that disrupts a department’s flow of harmony and its minimal discord. He could be the type that is always argumentative and easily riled up. On the other hand, she could be the type that causes trouble on the low, pretends to be nice, but is really pain in the behind.

It’s easy to say just ignore it and it will work itself out. Sometimes that is enough and sometimes it is not. You can’t always just let or wait for something to work itself out because it may be something that cannot be easily resolved. Before things are said that aren’t worth repeating or actions being taken that shouldn’t even be considered plausible are being taken you should stop and think.

Open the lines of communication between you and that person. Talking will enable both parties to effectively communicate their feelings on the situation. Perhaps it is as simple as a misunderstanding.

If you and that person cannot come to an understanding, requesting the help of a third party might be another option. Having an unbiased third party hear both sides of the disagreement might prove to be helpful.

A conflict between coworkers may not always be work-related. Some conflicts are personal and it is important to determine whether the conflict is business or personal.
If it is personal, it may be sexually, or racially and ethnically motivated.

When it becomes apparent that you will not reach an understanding, involving a supervisor might help resolve the conflict. Well, that's our advice.

We would like to hear what you have to say. What steps did you take to resolve your workplace conflicts?

My boss is a nose picker

Im sitting in a meeting with my boss and things start off innocently enough with a light scratch to the nose. Then as the meeting progresses, so does my boss's finger -- right up his nose!

It doesnt stop there. Next thing you know, he's pinching something and rolling whatever he got in his grasp between his thumb and forefinger.

GROSS

What do I do when I see him do this? He does it all the time. In the office, on the shuttle, at my desk... the madness never ends. Im so tempted to give him a tissue.

One thing for sure, I will NEVER EVER shake his hand. Or accept food from him.

Workplace Embarrassments

Not every office mimics the rowdy antics of shows like The Office or the Drew Carey Show but some may get close. Not to mention sometimes the office chatter and gossip helps get us through those long drawn out days.

Admit it, we do like to hear gossip, but wouldnt it be be extremely embarrassing to find out we were the subject of said scuttlebutt? No one wants to be known as “Dragon Breath” or “Smelly Kelly” (yes, some adults do christen their coworkers with such juvenile names. )

So what do you do when you are on the receiving end of the pointing and laughing? Should you shrug it off or try to laugh it off? Well I say it depends on the situation. Here is a list of some of the most embarrassing office blunders including the ones I feel can be apologized for or laughed off:

A visitor in your nose
Apologize

Bad breath
Laugh it off and pop an Altoid

Body odor
Apologize, head straight to the rest room to try and scrub your embarrassment away

Stained clothing
Laugh it off, and then wipe it off

Dress stuck in your skirt/zipper down
Laugh, apologize, untuck, and zip up

Passing gas in front of a coworker
Apologize, apologize and apologize some more

Email faux pas
Depending on the severity of the faux laugh it off and apologize

Slip of the tongue
Definitely apologize

Sticking your foot in your mouth
Apologize and try not to say anything else offensive for the rest of the year

Belching out loud
Apologize and pop an altoid


As usual, we would love to hear some of our readers embarrassing moments.

Drop us a line, we LOVE contributers. And We KNOW you have something to say...

-The Gurus

David Letterman: Or Hardly Working Hall-of-Infamous

Sometimes we like to wait it out at OHW… we are opposed to running into burning buildings before having all the information at hand. So here we go. We’ve touched on Office Relationships before, you know, the pro’s and con’s of bouncing your boss off their cherry wood desk. Now lookey here; talk show host David Letterman admitted to engaging in office bouncing and played it oh’ so calm.

The media tried to stew up some potential backlash on the midday-taped late night star. Hardly… the next show doubled in ratings and part of his monologue joked about him raking hate mail from his home. As for the ‘Young Tenders’ he bounced, the sex was consensual. I mean, why wouldn’t it be in this case? The women were young, impressionable and looking for a little face time (no pun intended). One of his trysts actually made it on the show. I would guess that this fueled other grunts to make a move or get moved.

Letterman is not likely to receive any charges for these incidents. However, the young women at the center of this ratings boost will go through a career of people knowing what lengths they’d take to advance.

To all women, this message is for you. Women are an intricate force in the advancement of companies all over the world. But when you decide to become sexually active with a co-worker or boss, socially, your perception becomes that of a woman that has slept her way to the top; even if the man that you are sleeping with isn’t a direct part of your success. Some people would much rather believe that you laid down for your position, than earned it through hard work and sacrifice. Yes, this is a double standard, and there is nothing that any of us can do about it. So be careful…

-The GURUS

The Professional Brown Nose

These people have kissing ass down to a science. They're quick-witted, conniving manipulators who know exactly how to get the boss to eat out of their hands.
We, the Gurus at …OrHardlyWorking would go as far to say that all suck-ups, brown noses and butt kissers (or whatever else you want to call them) are the equivalents of Smegal and Gollum.
One moment they seem supportive and sweet; the next they’re tearing into raw fish and trying to steal what’s yours!

This type of co-worker is extremely dangerous. They believe success can only come by kissing the boss’s ass and making you look bad!
It may be difficult to recognize those who prefer to wear kneepads on their way up the corporate ladder, so we have put together a list that will help you identify these losers.

1. No matter what their true opinion about any given subject is, ass-kissers will ALWAYS agree with the boss. Even if they just got through making a statement, they will immediately change what they said if the boss disagrees.

Example: You, your boss and the suck-up are chatting about the team’s upcoming presentation . Brown-nose states he prefers making power point presentations. The boss asks you what you prefer. You say, “I hate slides.” The boss then says, “Me too. I am a narrative type of guy, aren’t you?” (looking at you.) You answer truthfully, “Yes. I am.”
Brown-nose then says, “I think I’ll do this as a narrative.”

3. They act like bellhops. When the manager walks into a common area during employee lunch hour, the brown-nose will be the only person to throw down his sandwich and jump up out his chair to stand at attention and ask the boss if she needs anything from him, because his lunch can wait, since he wasn’t all that hungry to begin with.

2. Brown-noses spend a lot of time in the boss’s office tattle-telling. They like to “visit” the manager often and will tell you they just have to hand her something in person, but somehow the “handoff” lasts for a good 10-15 minutes. Then to your surprise, you get an email from your supervisor 10 minutes after Brownie returns to her cube. In the email from your boss, you discover you are chewing your gum too loudly and it is disturbing some of your co-workers. Brownie is the only person close enough to hear you chew.

4. Whenever the boss is around, the suck-up will get super helpful to you all of a sudden, especially if you’re the new hire. Once the manager leaves the room, or is out of ear shot, the brownie leaves you hanging.

5. They always say YES to the boss, no matter how much work they have on their plates. Sadly, they are very good at getting other people to help them out, yet they NEVER acknowledge those who lent a hand. Instead, they take all the credit.

BONUS TIP -----> Many times Brown-noses double as Skaters. (see Skater entry from Aug 31)

Hope these tips helped. Visit us again, and bring your friends. Make sure you share your tips in the comment box. We’re sure you veteran brown-nose spotters have some good ones.

-The OHW Gurus

Grooming your self at work: A MAJOR no-no

One of the biggest faux pas and annoying things people do in the workplace is groom themselves.
That stuff should be done in private. Noone, and I do mean NO ONE wants to see how you make yourself look the way you do. It should remain a mystery!
Don't clip your nails at your desk. Don't brush your hair, or teeth. (Yes, people brush at their desks)

I think it's reasonable to straighten your tie, or don a little gloss- even put lotion on your hands, but all the rest can be done at home, or in the bathroom.

I hate to hear the nail clippers snapping while I'm trying to work. I don't want to think about having to navigate through your trail of nail clippings strewn about the floor. (You know these people don't even have the courtesy to clip over the trash can)

Then there are the public flossers! Good grief! Mr./Ms. DISGUSTING, have you any manners, or home training at all?

It's a wonder you got this far up the ladder.

Don't get me wrong. I am all for good grooming, and keeping up one's appearance, but give us a break! I, nor do any of the co-workers in the office, want to know the intimate details of your hygiene routine.

We are grateful that you want to be at your best, but do us all a favor. Keep it in the closet.

Thank you,

the gurus at ...orhardlyworking